You may have heard me mention over the last month or so that little 1 will be starting school in September, yes that's right, my once tiny little baby is now all grown up enough to go to 'big school'.
I have bought the uniform, it has been labelled and sits neatly in her drawers, which we rearranged together last week to accommodate it all, waiting for the day to come when she gets to wear it.
Over the last few weeks Little 1 has attended a few story sessions put on by the school to meet her new teacher and class mates, she has walked into these sessions with a smile on her face and a spring in her step and come out running towards me happy with a big grin on her face, I thought we were going to be ok.
She has been attending the preschool attached to the school for the past year and used many of the school facilities, the hall, playground etc throughout the year and did her nativity singalong as part of the reception nativity so she is familiar with the school and really looking forward to attending, being a big girl and wearing her uniform.
She is going to be in Yellow class (hence the title of this post), she wakes every morning asking if today is the day when she will go to yellow class and I have to tell her 'No, not yet' (after the holidays just doesn't work with a 4 year old), there is a mini strop as she wants to go TODAY and then she gets up happy and smiling as always and gets on with her day.
But something isn't right she has been clingy recently, wanting more cuddles, to be picked up (she is too heavy for that now), she is easily upset and the word 'No' sets off the waterworks (throwing herself sobbing onto the sofa kind of tears because I won't let her have a biscuit before dinner!). I am sure it is a bit of anxiety towards school, it must be a scary place when you are 4.
We have had extra cuddles and little chats, one on one time and read stories about going to school, she seems ok on the outside, she says she is looking forward to it and can't wait. I just think she is a bit nervous underneath, which is completely understandable.
Something she said though today though makes me think it is not actual school but friendships bothering her, you see there are 3 reception classes at her school. Her two closest friends and a few others she mainly played with at preschool are in another class together as well as several others who she went to nursery with before starting preschool, considering that half of each class is made up of those who attended preschool she doesn't have anyone in her class that she plays with very much they are all in the same other class.
She said to me today, 'Mummy why am I not in that class, I don't play with anyone in my class they are all in the other class', I didn't have an answer for her, I said I didn't know and felt terrible for her. I know it was recommended that her and her closest friend were separated but I agreed on that as they are a bit too close and I don't think being together would have given either of them the chance to grow and make new friends.
She is happy to be in yellow class and loves her teacher, she hasn't said she wants to be in the other class. I think she feels she has been separated from the others and it does look like that from her perspective but I'm sure it wasn't deliberate. I have done what I can do to prepare her for school, the uniform, the storybooks and the support etc but what I can not prepare her for are the inevitable friendship troubles, the breakups, the best friend one day-worst enemy the next heartache that she will have to deal with at school.
It has brought up old feelings of my own time at school, I was bullied, I didn't have many friends, even now I only have a couple of good friends, and the friends I did make at school tended to make other friends easily and move on. I didn't like the social side of school and I am scared that this will happen to Little 1 too.
We have done what we can for her, she is happy, funny, popular and has more confidence than I ever did but she is anxious too. I am proud of the little girl I will be waving off at the school gates and don't doubt her ability to make friends and everyone will love her personality, I know that.
I just can't help worrying if my little girl will be alright on that rollercoaster of emotions that 'big school' brings. I can't be there for her at school, all I can do is help her deal with whatever life throws at her, celebrate the good times and offer a shoulder and cuddle through the not so good.
I do hope she will be happy.